Unsure Territory

I feel like I'm not really sure what I'm doing here.  For some time, I've felt like I need to write about things that I'm learning, going through, seeing, etc.....  But even as I write this, it feels terribly arrogant to me.  What in the world do I have to contribute to the PLETHORA of Christian writing.  I'm certainly no Bible scholar.  I'm no great example of Christ.  And this is not self deprecation with a side of, "I'M NOT  WORTHY!!!" (picture Robert Duvall in The Prophet).  This is NOT, "If God can use a wretched sinner like me...." (chest pounding here).   It's just.....NOT those things.

I don't believe that I have any more wisdom or enlightenment than anyone else.  Okay, there may be a FEW people I think I may be wiser than (comic relief here, as I am WAY outside my comfort zone); but that's beside the point.  Writing things down helps clarify things for me.  It helps me to put in order my thoughts and hopefully make some sense of them.  THAT'S what this blog is all about.  It's about writing these thoughts and epiphanies down.  If anyone else GETS it, that's wonderful.  If not, that's okay too.  Truly, I'm just doing what I'm feeling compelled to do....not trying to TEACH anyone anything.

Years ago, I wanted to write a book.  I wanted to write about God, but to be honest, I only really knew God through others...what other people TOLD or TAUGHT me about God.  I read my Bible pretty regularly, but that reading was filtered through my own experiences and personal beliefs that I really wasn't very good.  That I was living a charade.  People thought I was such a nice person, but I knew in my head that my thoughts weren't always "happy happy joy joy" and so I felt like a fraud.  Now, I realize that's pretty ridiculous.  I'm HUMAN.  Surely even Mother Teresa want to slap the fool out of someone sometime and NOT just out of righteous indignation!  Anyway, more about what I believed God to be later.

I already had the name picked out for my book....Candy Bars from God.  Here's where that came from.  Have you ever had someone do a small act of kindness for you?  Like bring you a candy bar JUST because they know you like that particular kind?  Remember how much that MEANT to you?  It's a small act that makes you feel BIG loved.  I feel like God has given me a lot of candy bars.  Don't get me wrong.  He's come through in BIG ways, over and over again.  But that gives me the picture of a policeman that intervenes when you're in trouble, otherwise really not giving you a second thought.

 But it's these little candy bars that God gives me that help me to see, every day, how loved I am.  Little things like sending someone across my path to give me a compliment.  Or someone saying EXACTLY what I need to hear at just the right moment.  It's been allowing me to find a pair of shoes I love for a couple of bucks!  Sometimes, the candy bar has been a song that has particularly moved me.  It's these small acts, "candy bars from God" that let me know that I  am loved and cherished and deemed precious.  If He just INTERVENED, I think He would be like the aforementioned policeman......a good God, but not much moved by how I feel.  The fact that He shows me kindnesses all the time, like my husband surprising me with a favorite treat, shows me that He's interested  and invested in EVERYTHING about me.  I'm NOT a disappointment.  I'm NOT a mistake.  I'm not a human to be TOLERATED.  I am loved.  and so are you.....